Number 4?

My time of the month (well the mood associated with it seems like all year round) has never been like clockwork. At university I would go 2 to 3 months without a period. Then when I did the pain and blood would be so intense that at times I would be bed bound for a day or two or faint in shops. I remember all my aunts and mum telling me I needed to get married and have children as that would take the pain away. That is one of the biggest wives tale as three children later I am still suffering.

I normally never remember when I was last ‘on’. Well it’s either that or trying to get through the never ending Mum list. However the last time I came on was the night before I was due to go to hospital, and I remember I was more worried about leaking than my actual operation at that stage. My periods especially the first few days are very bloody and 9 out of 10 times I will have leaked during the night no matter what size pad I wear. Sometimes the amount of blood does scare me, but when questioned any doctor, the answer is always the same. “It looks worse than it is…everyone is different…it’s completely normal”. 

A month had come and gone and there was no sign of the ‘painters’. I thought nothing of it at first until today as I was nearly two weeks over. Also a few days ago I saw three pages open on my phone with an advert for pregnancy tests. Was this a sign? I told my husband I was late and he said, “you’ve had a stressful month”. I do not know why I was wishing for it to come as it causes nothing but upset. 

What if I had become pregnant by some miracle, well my second two pregnancies were not planned. The thought of another baby made me want to run away from my body and hide far far away. I am so grateful for my boys but I feel I fail them on a daily basis as I am constantly tired and apart from feeding, clothing and washing them I do not actually interact with them most days.

Just for a moment I indulged myself and wondered what it would be like to have baby number 4. Would it be another boy to add to the team, how would I feel if it was a girl? I know one thing I definitely missed, the baby smell, the one that made your heart melt and warmed every bone in your body so you sat there in a state of mesmerisation. 

That was short lived, reality kicked in as I had to break up another brawl. Another baby have I gone mad…I can hear my mum in Pakistan shouting at me! So I thought I better put my mind at rest and clear it all up. I knew I had a clear blue pregnancy test in my drawers somewhere. Few years old but still in its wrapper so it should be okay. 

Just as I unwrapped the test, I had to run for the toilet as my bladder cannot hold anything, thanks boys that’s another thing I have to deal with. No need to take the test as there it was scarlet and proud. Let the back pain, cramps and even more uncomfortable nights begin. A little, very little feeling of disappointment came over me as I had maybe over indulged baby number 4. 

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