A month off

I nearly gave up on this blog, like my previous attempts. However whilst I have a few moments to myself I thought I would at least keep this going. If nothing else it brings some light relief as I unload some of the weight. Although I have to think a million times about what I write about as I know there are those who will read between the lines and make it a personal criticism. 

Time has been the biggest barrier as every waking second is spent worrying about the next. I have realised that I no longer live in the moment it’s always in two hours they need lunch, at 12.50 I have to leave to pick the kids up. The lists, its all never ending a struggle and then if your seen sitting down for more than a few minutes your frowned upon and a comparison is instantly made and relayed to you with great enthuasiam. 

Each of us have our own struggles, I am the first to admit that I want an easy life, well I do not know many that do not! In reality I know it does not always happen like that or we would have no life experience. I was never mother material, one of those woman that were broody or wanted a big family. Do not get me wrong I did want to get married and have someone I could share my life and travel with. 

In July 2014 I had become a mother for the third time to my third boy, we had only been married 4 years and I had nearly 2 and half year old and a nearly 1 and half year old. A month after the youngest birth we moved into our first family home and my husband returned to work. I was beyond exhausted trying to breastfeed and play mum to all of them. There were many times I just wanted to scream or cry, well screaming at the kids I am probably famous for and I am sure the neighbours will report me one day. 

I have realised though that the occasional cry does relief some of the heaviness in the head and brings with it a sense of calm. I know it will not tick my to do list but it will definitely get me ready to fight another day. I am not ungrateful for the life I have, I know I have been blessed, it’s just very different to how I envisaged. Would I change anything, no probably not, oh well I lied! I would tell certain people to stick their so called advice where the ‘sun does not shine’and too take off their rose tinted glasses! I know I am being controversial but sometimes it just has to be said. 

So I decided to start blogging okay more ranting I know as it’s been a month without one and I believe we all need something that’s just for us to indulge in.  My Wednesday rest morning was out of the window due to a Birthday assembley at the eldest school. I was tempted not to go as it would mean I will be making an additional journey and I could not even just hand around at the school as it was at 10.30. 

Am I glad I went, yes I am! Not so much the fact that they did not have his name on the list and he had to be bought from his classroom. It was his little face when he saw me, his face filled with happiness and he grinned cheekily, filing my heart with so much joy! The fact he wanted to come over too me and cuddle me, he was not ashamed. I realised again in that instance that in that moment nothing could make me feel so elated than the love my five year old boy had for me. The fact his mum was his centre, his everything. 

A sense of guilt for constantly telling him off came over me and I promised I was going to try harder to be a less ‘shouty’ (shouting) mum from now on. Well on that note I am going to bid you farewell for another day as I need a cup of tea before pick up time, and maybe I can actually finish it without it going cold. 

I know I bidded you farewell, but as it’s a new month and I want to end on a positive note, here is a photo I took of some carnations my husband bought me the other day just because. 

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