The need for change 

It’s quarter to 9 in the morning on a Sunday and I’m drinking my first lukewarm cup of tea. What a disappointment I have all but forgotten what it feels like to drink a hot cup of tea and actually finish it. I have already been up a couple of hours as the first of the three alarm clocks went of, the eldest on this occasion. However when it comes to a Monday I will have to drag him out of the corner of his top bunk for school. 

I feel as though I am going to collapse if I do not get some sleep. I am so exhausted, that everything and everyone annoys me. I need to stop shouting as I am sure a nerve in my brain is going to pop from the constant strain. I know I should be grateful for my situation as there are many who would swap in an instance. I am grateful but I am human and want to scream from the top of my voice. Well the screaming is a regular occurrence and I sure the neighbours avoid me. 

Then I look around me at the house and I want to run away. How does it get into such a mess. There are piles of clothes everywhere, actually they are more like mountains as the oldest calls them. It is embrassing and each day I tell myself I will get it tidy. As I’m having that thought I have to break up another squabble or wash a bum or do the 101 other things on the daily list. Going to work has never sounded so attractive as the youngest lies on the kitchen floor having a tantrum of sorts calling for daddy. 

Is it so bad that I am wishing for Monday morning so that I can do the school run and come back and have a sleep. Lazy I know but I need to recharge as each part of my body is frustrated. I know it would be the perfect opportunity to ‘tidy up’ as I get reminded on numerous occasions. 

To add to all of that I have to deal with aftermath of my jaw surgery, today my mouth is aching from the tightness of the  ‘W’elastics and the lips are extra sensitive and numb at the same time. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself, well if I do not who else will? I do know one thing and that is, I need to get out of this constant rut.

In my head I have a plan that is brilliant and somewhat dreamlike and in reality I just pass out on the sofa and do the minimum I need to do to survive. Mind you the minimum is the equivalent of at least two full time jobs. I look back and as my husband says I should not dwell on it. 

There is an envy of the carefree single life, when catching up with friends could be organised by a two word text ‘need shisha’ and hours later we would be laughing away. Now it takes months of careful planning and a stressful day leading to the actual night off that by the time arrives all I would rather go to bed. Everything takes longer, you have to repeat yourself at least twenty times to get any acknowledgement. 

I know something needs to change as my blog is titled. My problem is that I try to change everything at once and get so exhausted in the thought process that I run out of steam to actually carry anything out ‘action not words’. Well I have given myself a change for today and that is to turn to God and get some prospective in my life. Well as a Muslim when you have the intention to do something you say ‘In Shah Allah’. On that note I need to stop blogging and start doing. Ciao x


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